Christmas letters

by Pat Laster

Dear Gas Company: Before you send me a letter saying my gas usage was way above all my “efficient neighbors,” let me explain.
My college-age grandson/"fifth child”--whom we in this neighborhood call Kid Billy, though he’s definitely not a kid by chronological age—is home for the holidays. That means all the time he’s in his room, he has the window AC, the oscillating fan and the ceiling fan going. (He likes it cold.) Even though his door is closed, there is still leakage of cold air.
Since the gas heater for the three bedrooms and bath is in the hall, and since one bedroom—KB’s “game room,”—is on the northwest corner of the house—the stove runs constantly when it is cold outside.
The second gas heater warms the living/ dining rooms and the office-cum-blue room where I write when I can. The gas log unit pilot is still unlit and while the “fireplace” is pretty, it doesn’t put out much heat—just memories.
I have used the dishwasher a lot this month washing all 125 pieces of Avon’s red Cape Cod glassware that I have collected/been given. And which I intend to use on Christmas.
Plus, I washed all other glassware--which “sat out” collecting dust--on the buffet, the piano, the mantel, the book shelves and in the windows of the blue room. So that is some of the gas usage.
The clothes dryer has not seen any extra work this month; however, I notice KB lugged his bin of (what were--after Thanksgiving--clean) clothes home. He seems to be living out of it.
I hope this letter will explain my place as 95th (or whatever high number you give me) out of a hundred neighbors in gas usage for the month. Fondly, one who went from #6 in November (good) probably through the roof in December, pl
Dear National Wildlife, Easter Seals, and others who send labels and greeting cards without being asked to do so. Sorry, but I’m not as good a person as my mom was. She felt guilty about using the enclosures without sending you at least $5 for your trouble.
I figure you know what you’re doing, giving away freebies. Oh yes, in the past, I’ve sent money for your causes. But now, with a kid in college (at my advanced age), and with the economy like it is, I have to watch my pennies, er, dollars closer than before. Merry Christmas and Happy 2012.
To the folks who prey on seasonal guilt, groups like children’s homes, church food pantries, and all other charities who keep the postal carriers busier than usual this time of year, hear ye: I throw your solicitations straight into the recycling bin. Unless, of course, they contain gift tags, labels, stickers, or notepads.
To the magazine people who keep sending notices to renew at (probably) a great cut rate for a subscription I took out because of a granddaughter’s school’s “gimme” project, cut it out! Save your money. No, wait. Postal carriers rely on junk mail (I was told once by a mailperson). Be it known that your letters also go straight into recycling.
Dear friends and family who have sent greeting cards this season: Thank you for spending your precious funds to wish KB and me a solicitous and felicitous season. May it be also with you.
Merry Christmas—or Happy Holidays—to all.

c 2011 by Pat Laster dba lovepat press